I have often found that maturity is among the greatest of virtues, for it is the juvenile who often sit and wonder why they are disliked.
I told this to a friend in late 2016. He later told me it changed his outlook on life quite a bit. Beforehand, he had been involved in some… less than savory activities, trying his hardest to hold onto his own childishness, as though it would somehow protect him from the real world. He told me that he thought about what I said, and thought enough to realize that he wanted to change.
I try my hardest to live by that. However, this has not been the only obstacle I’ve been faced with in my short life.
Listen to this track while reading the text.
I’ve grown up with a little brother who, at the age of three, was diagnosed with severe autism. I’ve thrown away much of my life on promiscuity and missed opportunity. While these circumstances are less than ideal, I have never once blamed anybody else for my own misfortune. I have always taken responsibility for my own choices, so that I may enlighten myself as to what I am to do in the future.
I’ve experienced a fair amount of pain, heartache, and uncertainty in my life. I used to feel hopeless, worthless even. I would just sit and let my mind wander, and often it wandered into places it shouldn’t have gone.
So what keeps this away? Well, I’ve been fortunate enough to be blessed with incredible friends who never cease to amaze and comfort me, but specifically I am speaking to creativity. I am often labeled as a very creative person. I am a writer, actor, designer, artist, and musician. Often there’s little time in the day when I am not creating something.
There are two sides to this, however. I create many things, but as I am an artist, I am often incredibly critical of my work, sometimes to a fault. For example, I have released fifty songs in the last year. Now about thirty of those are ambient pieces or soundtrack works. That means that nearly twenty of them are full songs, vocals and all. I’ve been working on a few different albums for quite some time, and when those are released, the number of full songs will rise to maybe forty or fifty. The reason I bring this up is because I have nearly five-hundred full songs in my vaults. Unreleased. I am very critical of my work.
You might see all of this constant creation as a chore, and in some ways, it is. But not only do I keep on making songs because I like it, but because I almost feel as though I need to. Music, for me, is a way to express whatever I may be feeling or thinking. It’s a way for me to emotionally connect with people. It’s a way to let whoever listens know that they aren’t alone. I think that’s important.
I suppose that’s a reason for me to continue making music like what’s found on Maschinensprache, or Ambient Works or Calm. I’ve been contacted by many people who tell me that listening to my music helps ease their anxiety, that it helps them to sleep without nightmares. That amazes me. To think that I could help anybody with something that I create is incredibly rewarding to me. I’ve been very critical of my ambient work, as I almost always prefer music that has lyrics, structure, and meaning. That’s the kind of material I’m working on now. Bucolic, almost. Meaningful.
Now I realize that as I’ve grown as a person, I’ve grown in my creativity. I can only create and hope that somebody out there will enjoy my work. Until then, hold onto hope, for tomorrow is another day.
Thank you for listening.
Samuel Kinsella. Los Angeles, California. Musician, Artist, Actor, Designer, Writer, etc. The sound of ancient voices ringing soft upon your ear.