It feels ironic to be releasing my song ‘Better’ at a time where it appears the world is, in fact, doing worse. Civil rights and liberties are being rolled back while our governments flirt with the idea of World War III, and yet, when I finished this song several years ago, I thought to myself, “I’ll release this when the world is better”. But as I’m getting older, I’m learning life is more nuanced than that. You can’t wait for the world to be better, you can’t wait for the world to give you permission to find your joy.
Listen to the song while reading the text.
Similarly, you can’t wait for someone to make things right for you before doing what is right for you. Throughout life, especially since I’ve started medically transitioning, I’ve realized ways in which fear would leave me paralyzed. Being an artist and being trans, or perhaps with creating anything of meaning in this world, involves putting yourself “out there”, and that often comes with the fear of being judged for your mistakes. At some point, you realize the worst part about those judgments was your susceptibility to believing them in the first place. We all have insecurities, and we have an inner critic. It’s not that we shouldn’t be open to (constructive) criticism, but we all logically know that making mistakes is a part of the learning process.
I was previously a multi-instrumental music teacher for 6 years. I’ve taught a lot of students who were too timid to try new things because they were afraid of coming across as ‘stupid’ or ‘wrong,’ and I’ve seen a lot of adults, including myself, withhold meaningful questions or expressions for similar reasons. It’s like the world encourages us to try new things only when we’re already ‘good’ at it. As if being ‘good’ at something is only a matter of natural talent or what you’ve been “blessed” with. But the kicker is, most of us don’t even know what we’re good at, and many of us only “get good” with practice.
What I’m getting at is that there is a parallel between the fear of putting yourself out there and the fear of starting something new. The biggest achievement you will ever gain is the happiness you get from working on yourself, which only comes after you start believing in yourself. But searching for purpose in a broken world can feel both meaningless and meaningful: ‘meaningless’ to the critic who sees wishful thinkers like Sisyphus, doomed to push the rock uphill for eternity. However, those who understand the concept of ‘meaningfulness’ can recognize that humans do not live in a vacuum. On the contrary, we’re in a world ripe with connection. Connection and perseverance that inspire self and others.
All this to say, it’s crucial now more than ever to follow your heart – your passion, your dreams, your intuition – to get to know yourself and put it out into the world. I think of it like storytelling, which is a highly unique and ancient human experience that connects and grounds us because it helps us accept that we are all the experts of our own understanding.
For me, coming out as trans and pursuing gender-affirming care was a part of the story that I needed to tell. Sure, there’s been confrontation and conflict along the way, but nothing compared to the fear-based “what if” that I was living in. If you tell yourself that you’re just waiting for the “ideal” conditions, ask yourself if there really is a “right” condition or if this is procrastination disguised as perfectionism.
We all have some fears we could move through, and I’m not saying you’ll fix all the world’s problems this way. But you certainly won’t be taking on the world with an empty cup. When times are hard, when people are fighting for their right to survive, thriving becomes a radical act that can sustain movements because it sustains life itself.
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Fantastic read! You’ve captured the excitement around psychedelics without ignoring the challenges. It’s inspiring to think about how they might transform lives if handled responsibly. Thanks for this thoughtful piece.”