When I called it a day about seven years ago, I was exhausted. Somehow I was emptied. I felt like I had already said and experienced everything. Since day one, music had always nourished me. How foolish was I to believe for a single moment that I could go on without it?
Listen to the album while reading the text.
A Collective Too Big Too Handle
It was the end of the road. Five years of intense commitment with the PaNoPTiCoN collective, something I’m still very proud of today. Touring, getting gigs (and actually doing it), working on a new line up for each concert with different musicians, recording it, mixing it, then put it for free on my website and hopefully, from time to time, getting the attention of some music lovers who want to buy some CDs.
Although our music was the fruit of live improvisations, I could not afford to handle it anyhow. The bigger the concept is, the more people involved, the heavier the load. Even if I think we’ve accomplished something of great value on an artistic scale, at the time, I did not have the energy necessary to continue; the general craze was not strong enough to fuel my motivation.
A Turning Point
I was at a turning point in my life where critical decisions had to be made. I chose safety. But not without a cost. My professional life had taken over my whims. I took this new challenge with the same intensity, the same devotion that characterizes me. And I got into this fight like a wounded beast.
At first, I thought I was suffering from my years of hard struggle. In the end, maybe it was the fact that I turned my back on what I’m made for, that made me feel physical what psychically I did not want to admit?
Music never left me. It never did. It will never do. How could it be? It is in me. Music is playing with me. I do not play Music… I’m just a part of it. Music always reappears in moments of doubt, in moments of despair and great confusion.
It is my way of telling the world that I exist. It is my way of saying to those who want to listen to what I feel, what I hide in myself, sometimes in spite of my own self. Because it is the only way to express myself, that seems honest and true to me.
It was a real pleasure to get back to work. I felt revived. I needed it. Really. And everything suddenly looked so smooth and easy. Almost obvious. As if I had done this all my life. As if that was actually my life.
The fear of giving a follow up to “Deadend,” my previous effort, released ten years ago, quickly vanished. This call became an urgency. This urgency turned to a need that breaks down all barriers, even those that seem the most insurmountable.
One thing I learned was getting focused on production. That’s why I felt unsatisfied at first with my 2009 release; sure, it sounded strong, but I got the feeling of repeating myself, using the same old tricks from one track to another. In truth, I was refining my vocabulary; I was mastering it. The result is up to expectations. Everyone agrees to say it.
I think I did even better with “Kino.” And the funny part is that it is my singing that binds it all. This voice that I have not ceased to hide since my beginnings. Remember “Remembrances” … This time, I go right away, without asking any questions.
I go there; I deliver myself, I reveal myself, I free myself more than ever.