by Poli Nika
I look into his eyes and remain silent. I know my silence wounds him, but I can’t utter a single word. My throat tightens, my head spins with the darkest thoughts I’d never dare say out loud. “What would he think of me then?” These are the monsters inside me, and I’ll never let them destroy what we have. I’ll never let them out, because then…
Listen to the song while reading the text.
I’m still silent, the tension grows, and the voices in my head become louder. “Now he’ll turn away…” “Now he’ll understand everything…” SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING!!!
I press my entire body against him, cover him with kisses, as if trying to distract, as if hoping the need for an answer will simply disappear. Oh, how I wound him with my silence and… distrust. Don’t I trust him?
I hide my eyes, can no longer bear that searching, caring look.
I take his hand in mine: how do I snap out of this? Now there’s no pretending that “everything’s fine” — the pause has stretched too long.
“I’m sorry, forgive me…” I feel tears approaching my eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you, hurting you is the last thing I want to do.” I don’t mean to hurt you.
“But you hurt me with your silence… By not saying what’s really happening. By not sharing, not taking me with you into what you’re experiencing and what matters so much to you… So important that it steals your words, so important that you choose to hide it deep inside…”
We just stand there, silent, for what feels like forever.
And then I sit down at the piano, and only then does it release me—a wave of love and warmth washes over me, and I want to speak — I want to sing — and with each sound the tension and fear fall away, and the voices of the monsters inside quiet down, and only the most important things remain: our closeness, our honesty and openness, and how we accept each other, all our parts, how we’re not afraid to be seen. As if we suddenly found ourselves aboard a spaceship, weightless, together. The darkness of space in the windows. No rush or bustle. Free from noise and resistance. We’re not fighting anything anymore, we just… are. We just have each other. And we choose to be ourselves—choose to explore each other’s galaxies, with their boundless stellar depths, with their meteor showers, asteroid avalanches and black holes.
Thank you for looking into the birth of “Don’t Mean to Hurt You” with me. A song that taught me to open up with the person I love, no matter how scary it might be.
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