by Geoff Tyson
When I was on tour with the band in the 1990’s, we had many funny adventures. Here is a disgusting one.
Listen to the single while reading the text.
We were playing a concert in Tijuana Mexico, and when we loaded in, we found our backstage room had a toilet right in the middle of it. No walls and door, just a toilet sitting like a centerpiece. And there was no water in it. The guy at the club explained that they don’t turn the water on in the club until later in the evening. So no worries.
We went to sound check, and when we came back, someone had laid an enormous turd into that dry toilet. And there was no lid. So there it was, just staring up at us like “haha what are you going to do about me?” The hot Mexican weather and poor air circulation made this an urgent problem.
So we had to find a solution.
An engineering solution seemed the best way.
There were several liters bottles of Coca-Cola and beer backstage. There were no refrigerators, so we knew that nobody was going to drink the hot cola. I suggested that we pour all the soda into the back tank of the toilet. And then when it is full, we can flush the toilet with cola.
A fine idea! So we poured all of the cola unto the reservoir. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to fill the whole tank. And we didn’t want to risk flushing and waste all that liquid unless we could be sure that the turd would go down.
The only other liquid we had backstage was many liters of warm beer. But then there was no way we were going to waste all that beer and pour it into the toilet. But also, we couldn’t just give up on this experiment. We had to think, and think quickly.
We decided that the only solution was to drink all the beer, and then recycle the liquid through our bodies, and then piss into the back of the tank until it was full. So we started drinking a lot. Every piss went into the back of the toilet, and slowly it filled to the top.
So then when the tank was finally full, we hit the flush lever, and this putrid bubbly brown liquid washed into the toilet. It was more disgusting than the actual turd, but we were determined to have a victory. And down it went! A cheer rang through the dressing room like if we had just landed that turd on the moon.
I don’t remember much of the show that evening.
Geoff Tyson
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