by Tucker Coughlin a.k.a. In Luna’s Garden
Desperation Breeds Creativity.
Mina vs the Pit of Despair is an album born out of desperation. I’ve struggled with chronic depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old. I’m sure many of you can relate to teenage years full of tumultuous emotions and searching for answers. My memories of high school and early college are filled with trips to the doctor, seven different therapists, countless medication modifications, and reading philosophy and religion, all culminating in a 3-month inpatient residency. No matter what I did, nothing could convince me that life was worth living. In a final attempt, I decided to construct my own thesis on why life is inherently good. This effort would coalesce over two years into my debut album, Mina vs the Pit of Despair.
Why an Emo Rock Opera?
When I first started the project, I considered writing a novel or a series of essays. I eventually landed on music because that’s what I had grown up with and what helped me through some of my darkest times. One of my main goals from the start was to share what I had found with anyone who might need it. An album is more accessible than a 400-page book.
Reliance on Hope
In researching art centered on suicide, there were two main camps of thought. The first camp is the glorification route. Suicide is too often depicted as something almost beautiful. It is nearly an aesthetic choice for the broken artistic type. This kind of art disgusts me.
The second camp is the hope route. While this seems optimistic on the surface, I’ve found from personal experience and through talking with friends that hope doesn’t resonate well with those of us who no longer find any joy in existence.
I needed an argument against suicide that didn’t rely on hope or a better future. For many, tomorrow won’t be any better. I assumed a worst-case scenario: an external environment of pure misery. Is there still a reason to live if your life is awful and will never get any better?
Just Let Go
In the early stages of writing, my thesis was letting go. Buddhist philosophy heavily inspired this idea: “All life is suffering, the root of all suffering is desire, the escape from suffering is to let go of desire.” In other words, if I could just let go of my attachment to the causes of my suffering, I could be free to live my life. In this iteration of the story, Desire is the main villain. However, as I ventured deeper into the cave, I quickly found that this message didn’t resonate with me. I started to lose faith in the entire project.
The Pit of Despair
In December 2023, halfway through the writing process, I attempted to take my own life. I won’t go into details, but it was a failed attempt and was put under strict protection. I went from living alone one day to constant surveillance the next. I was never allowed to be alone, had no access to sharp objects, slept with the door open, and could not leave the house.
Everyone I cared about was highly supportive, and I couldn’t have made it through without them, but they couldn’t completely hide their anger and resentment towards my actions. Under these conditions, I wrote the song “We’re Painting the Roses Black.” A song originally written from my mother’s perspective, scolding me for my actions. Buried deep within the lyrics of that song is what I had been looking for this entire time. I used metaphorical language to express the idea because I can’t explain it any other way. If I were to try to say it plainly, I’d say something along the lines of, “Life needs to be more beautiful than death, and the two concepts are inseparable.”
Armed with this knowledge, I was ready to complete the album.
Give the Girl a Sword
Empowerment isn’t telling someone, “Things will get better in some distant future. You should be grateful for what you have.” Empowerment is giving you a weapon and saying, “Get on your feet and fight!” The core message of the album transformed before my eyes.
The action-adventure backbone of the narrative fell into place. I needed to fight my demons instead of letting them consume me. Even if your life is hell on earth and you can barely get out of bed, you need to get up and fight with every ounce of your being. You need to fight every single day for the right to exist at all. Living a life where your brain is attempting to destroy you is hard. It won’t ever be easy. We must take it in stride because it is our responsibility to keep the darkness at bay.
The imagery of our protagonist, Mina, with a sword going into battle is meant to empower those who struggle with depression. Take control of your life because you are stronger than you could possibly imagine.
Better Days
On some blustery winter day, I looked up from my guitar and saw it staring at me: hope. It had crawled into my mind while I wasn’t looking. It didn’t come until after I had chosen to live, but there it was. I had never imagined I’d ever see this elusive creature. I had hope in one hand and a completed album in the other. It was finally time to share what I had found with the world.
I’m not sure if my music will help anyone or if anyone will understand it. But if I can make even one person’s day a little brighter, then it was all worth it. To this day, I wouldn’t consider myself a particularly happy individual, and I have by no means figured out how to coexist with my brain. But despite the pain, I’ve learned to wake up every day and choose to live—all because of a silly rock opera about a girl with a sword.
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